Do you know who created the Elf on the Shelf?

I won’t name names, but I did Google it, and I know who you are.

Did you not notice that parents were already quite busy during the holiday season? Actually, more than busy. Nauseatingly overwhelmed.

But no, a magical elf that moves every. single. night. That does make sense. Of course, I can fit that into my schedule. Don’t worry.

What’s that now? The elf has a pet? And a girlfriend? And outfits? Of course.

How very magical.

My family does not have an elf yet. But I am counting the days. My oldest son is three—nearly four—and he is bound to catch on soon. But, please, I am begging. Can we retire this trend?

My creativity is tapped. I am tired. And I don’t have the patience to suspend a stuffed elf from the ceiling, place him in a faux bubble bath or even pretend he ate a cookie. And, to boot, my husband claims I’m not crafty. Just kick me while I’m down.

Save your ideas. Save your Pinterest boards and your envelopes of glitter. I don’t need them to get into the Christmas spirit. And I certainly don’t need an elf.

Does no one find it creepy that he is living in your home, taking notes and reporting back to Santa himself? It just doesn’t seem right, and I swear I am not a Scrooge.

My husband and I put up our Christmas decorations in mid-November. We deck the halls, play all the Mariah Carey and Michael Bublé classics, and get in the spirit long before South Louisiana weather gets the hint.

I love Christmas. But I do not love that elf.

I do love my kids, though. And, like any good mom, I am willing to swallow my pride and adopt one of those God-forsaken elves if it will make my boys happy. The last thing I want is for them to be the only ones without a creepy stuffed doll spy. I am not cruel.

But this is my public plea to please (please, please) stop the madness. I think it’s time for the elf to retire. After all, he does turn 20 this year. Surely, he is done being under Santa’s thumb. It’s time for him to pack his bags and move somewhere tropical. He needs a vacation—and so do I.

If you need me, I’ll be in my elf-less house doing anything other than creating intricate scenes for him—an inanimate object—to take credit for.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.